Tired and rambley

I am one tired Mama today. Like deep in your bones tired. You know when your body aches so much that you can feel it in the roots of your hair? Yeah, I am that kind of tired.

I mowed the yard… well, 90% of the yard. Part of that was done with a toddler in a carrier on my back. Then in the middle of that I put gas in the oil thing… not good. Lots of smoke and a dead mower. I figured out how to fix that, fixed it, and worked on finishing the yard… a yard with very very very tall grass. It was a frustrating process where I felt really ridiculous, and exhausted, and I wanted to quit… but now most of the yard is mowed. One thing off of a very long checklist.

Here’s the thing about me mowing the yard… My husband could totally do it, he absolutely would do it, and honestly he probably would like doing it better himself because he worries about me doing it. I’m sure there were a few people who drove by today and thought about the fact that I have a husband who is not nine months pregnant who could be mowing the yard. The thing is though, he is busy ya’ll and I love that man. So the second he walks in the door, I want every ounce of attention I can get out of him to go to Phoebe and I. The thought of him going outside to mow the yard? Well… that’s how our grass gets so tall. Because he comes home and gets ready to mow, or fix our broken mower, and I don’t let him… because I just desperately want the small amount of time that we have with him to be with just us… not mowing the yard. Because really, I could care less about tall grass if it means I get an extra couple hours with my husband.

I feel the same way about my leg hairs and sleep. If I don’t shave my legs… I get out of this shower and into my bed 15 whole minutes earlier than I would have with smooth legs… therefore hairy legs. You’re welcome… now you know. Good thing my husband is not a leg man. What kind of man is he? None of your business. Why would you ask that? Rude.

So other than mowing the yard and installing a door knob… yes, I did install a door knob! I am figuring out this stuff ladies and gents. I am learning to take care of things like that all by myself, which makes me proud and makes this whole stay at mom thing feel a bit more accomplished. Maybe installing a door knob to you isn’t a big deal, but it for sure is to me. I have a bit of an issue with self-confidence issue as well as an over dependence of my husband. He loves to do all of that, but I stay at home all day, and I know I am perfectly capable… well no I don’t, but after today I do know that I can fix a lawn mower and install a doorknob. So, it’s a start.

I also accomplished watching Mary Poppins a record three times in one day, but seriously… this girl I birthed? LOVES IT. Like she will just sit and watch… some comes on… she gets up and dances… then Mary Poppins flies around and she says “Ook Mary!”… and then I die because, come on? Presh. Honestly, I love it equally as much. Every time Bert tells Mr. Banks about the fact that his kids are growing and soon it’ll be too late to parent them… I cry, every time. Don’t we all need a reminder about that? That we have a very short whisper of time with these sweet little souls we are raising?

This part… it’s just beautiful and precious and so true.

A spoonful of sugar that is all it takes
It changes bread and water into tea and cakes
A spoonful of sugar goes a long, long way
‘Ave yourself a healthy helping ev’ry day
You’re a man of high position
Esteemed by your peers
And when your little tykes are cryin’
You haven’t time to dry their tears
And see them grateful little faces
Smilin’ up at you
Because their dad, ‘e always knows
Just what to do
You’ve got to grind, grind, grind
At that grindstone
Though childhood slips like sand through a sieve
And all too soon they’ve up grown
And then they’ve flown
And it’s too late for you to give
Just that spoonful of sugar
To help the medicine go down
The medicine go down, the medicine go down.

I’m not one to dwell on the fact that time is fleeting, and that our babies are growing every second… like I never tell a new mom not to blink, because seriously? That’s anxiety inducing, people. We are already freaked out enough with this new little ball of flesh… we don’t need reminding that it’s going to go by so fast when it feels like it’s lasting forever, and then we feel guilty because we should love colic, screaming, pooping, and insomnia… because it’ll never be this good again? So, yeah. Stop that sweet person who means well! Give us a few months before you tell us that.

I am loving this toddler stage though. I love watching her be independent and watching her learn new words and seeing that she remembers people, places, foods, and games. I love watching her make memories. The fact still is that soon she won’t be a toddler, and she will eventually be a teenager, and then soon after that she won’t live here, and she will have a career, or travel around the world, or get married, or have babies, or maybe she will do every one of those things… but regardless of what she does in the future, my time with her is right now. The part of our parenting that she will take with her everywhere, it’s happening right now. It’s totally okay to have those days and seasons where you are so freaking excited that the babies are in bed, because you made it to the end of the day, and no one died, and you’re all mostly still sane. It’s okay to feel that way, but I also want to have more patience… and let time slow down and just be thankful and intentional with the way we are raising her and the way we react to things and the way that she sees how we feel about parenting her. Sometimes it’s just so hard to make it through the meltdowns, the cranky, the “nanacancakesidegabbaswing” moments where she knows she’s not happy and knows there is something that might fix it, but she has no clue how to help me understand what that is. It’s hard, but it’s also good.

This got very rambley very quickly, but it’s my mama tired in my bones and hair follicles brain that is writing to you right now. So will you excuse me for that? Awesome. Thanks! I love you all.